Michael Dye, an addiction counselor and the creator of the Genesis Process Relapse Prevention program, often says “100% of emotional pain comes from relationships. It’s relationships that mess us up and it’s relationships (both with God and others) that heal us.”
The first time I heard Michael say that it stopped me in my tracks. I remember thinking to myself, “Is that really true? Is is really possible that 100% of my inner pain came from my RELATIONSHIPS?”
The more I thought about my own pain and brokenness, the more convinced I became that it WAS the truth. People have hurt me. There were a few times when the pain was caused intentionally by someone desiring to harm me, but in most cases it seemed that the other person was either clueless about how their words and behaviors affected others, or they were walking around with such a load of unresolved pain of their own that some of it slopped over and caused harm to me as well.
We humans are no dummies. After being hurt a few times, we begin to clue into the fact that relationships can cause pain and we start to guard our hearts from future hurt. Little by little we learn not to trust. We quit being quite so open—quite so real—with people. We constantly look for signs to tell us whether we’re in danger. We may even go so far as to avoid relationships altogether, especially those that seem similar to the ones we were hurt in before.
The problem is, when we pull away from other people (and/or God) we rob ourselves of ever having a different kind of healthier experience that would actually heal some of our wounds and take away a bit of our pain. We miss out on the support of caring people and the encouragement of those who have walked difficult paths themselves and could help us find our way through our own challenging times. When we are alone and isolated we have no one to help us when we falter. The enemy has us where he wants us. We are, in essence, down for the count.
But, as we begin to risk reaching out and learning how to establish new and deeper relationships with God and a few safe-enough people, we will find new motivation and energy to bounce back and continue the fight. The difference is that this time, with others watching our backs . . . we have a much better chance of being able to go the distance . . . and even win the battle.
“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” —Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV)
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