The 5 Traits of Someone You Can Trust

In a hurry? Click here to download the pdf version to read later

One of the most important aspects of recovery is learning to trust again. Addiction is often the by-product of broken trust. Somewhere along the way most of us learned it wasn’t safe to trust.

For whatever reason, the people that should have been there to meet our needs failed us and the people we should have been able to trust betrayed us. We began to distance ourselves from others—especially those that seemed able to hurt us.

As the addiction took hold, there was even more reason to hide our true selves from others. We were sure that if anyone really knew us and our secrets they wouldn’t like us. We didn’t want to experience the pain of judgment and rejection, so we “quit them before they could quit us.” We became even more isolated and alone.

In recovery we begin to realize that maybe not everyone is like the ones that hurt us. We become aware of just how important healthy friendships and accountability are to a more satisfying future.  Unfortunately, our years of being on guard make it difficult to trust our own ability to see who we should and should not let into our lives.

Although they may not always get it 100% right, the type of person that will be a true friend will demonstrate these five characteristics:

1. TRUSTWORTHY

• They have consistent ethics, positive values or principles.
• Their actions and words match. They’re not just all talk.
• They keep their agreements or renegotiate if necessary
• They’re willing to compromise, but they will never go so far as to compromise their personal values or integrity just to keep the peace
• They won’t repeat what you share without your permission

2. COMMITTED

• They’re in it for the long run in spite of ups and downs in the relationship
• They understand that recovery is often a long process and have patience with your process—no matter how long it takes.
• They’re honestly interested in you, ask questions, and are able to hear the details of your story without backing away in disgust.
• They are able to be both flexible and reliable
• They have time, or will make time, in their life for you

3. CARING

• They truly like you as a person and don’t just see you as a project
• They show genuine concern for you if they need to let you down
• They really listen to you and don’t just try to “quick fix” everything with scripture or Christian cliches
• They don’t tell you what to do, but they will help you explore your options.
• They care enough to tell you the things you don’t like to hear–kindly
• They show mercy and compassion when you struggle or even fail

4. OPEN, HONEST & TRANSPARENT

• They are authentic and consistent. They are what they seem.
• They let you know how they feel, where they stand, and how you stand with them
• They’re comfortable expressing emotions and don’t get freaked out if you express yours.
• They’re able to share their own brokenness and weaknesses with you (if they don’t believe they have any, they will likely be judgmental)
• They’re able to admit when they don’t know something

5. MUTUAL RESPECT

• They’re able to recognize, accept, and enjoy the differences between you
• They’re able to disagree without needing to argue, but are also willing to have friendly arguments that lead to increased understanding
• They have good personal boundaries. They can say “no” respectfully and “yes” dependably.
• They can rejoice with you over even your smallest victories
• They understand that you may isolate or lie when you are struggling and will encourage you at those times instead of judging you.
• They are respected by you in return.

I especially like this quote that so concisely describes the type of friendships we all need in our lives:

“Healthy relationships allow for individuality,
bring out the best in both people, and invite personal growth.”