Wives ask . . . Shouldn’t he tell me EVERYTHING?

Today’s post is an excerpt from our book for the wives of sex addicts.

Q. There’s a part of me that is desperate to hear all the details about what my husband has done in his sexual addiction. As his wife, don’t I have the right to know what he’s been doing?

A. Although it is important for you to know the facts about your husband’s activities, be cautious about how many details you ask for. You will have to live with the information you receive. Women often express regret over having insisted on hearing the specific details of what happened. They say it is very difficult to get those images out of their minds and that these thoughts can actually get in the way of healing and reconciliation. Examine why you need to know these things. Keep in mind that the only point of bringing up the past is to look for solutions for the future.

A note to husbands: Don’t confuse this advice with permission to keep secrets. Your wife will not be able to move on and fully forgive you until she has been able to process the pain and feelings of betrayal your addiction has caused her.  A very important part of this includes having the opportunity to ask questions and receive truthful answers.

As scary as it can be, it is important that the two of you work toward being able to talk sincerely about what has happened and how it has affected her, your marriage and your family. Although it can be very difficult to hear and acknowledge how much our actions have hurt someone we care about,  it is a crucial and significant step in the rebuilding process. She needs to know you “get it.”

We do, however, encourage you, out of respect for your wife, to avoid graphic descriptions or details in your discussions that will leave hurtful and re-wounding visual images in her mind.