Sexual Anorexia?

Q. Our problem is different—we don’t have sex. It doesn’t feel right, but I guess we can eliminate sexual addiction as the root cause since there is no sex . . . right?

A. Wrong. Consider the fact that there are two main types of inappropriate relationships with food: one is bulimia (overeating/purging); the other is anorexia (not eating). Both ends of the spectrum are equally unhealthy and both will ultimately destroy the body.

The same is true for sex addicts. Both acting out and totally avoiding sex are equally devastating to the healthy intimacy that God intended. Many addicts (especially in the Christian community) totally shut down their sexuality in an attempt to end their acting out. In every sense of the word, they become asexual. This tactic can, for a time, be an effective way to curb the temptation to participate in inappropriate sexual behaviors—but, unfortunately, it is an all or nothing situation. If you shut off “bad sexuality”, you shut off “good sexuality” as well.

Sexual anorexia is not the cure for sexual addiction. Many men mistakenly believe that since they are no longer acting out in the old way, they no longer have a problem. Their wives, however, are forced to live in a marriage devoid of sexual intimacy. There are a staggering number of marriages in our country in which sex is nonexistent or, at best, highly infrequent for ten, twenty, thirty years or more. Even the church often sees this as a victory, because they are no longer participating in immoral or “sinful” activities.

The problem is that, even though they aren’t acting out, the lack of normal sex indicates that they have not dealt with the underlying causes of their addiction. The pendulum has just swung to the other extreme.

Remember, the goal is much greater than just getting your husband to stop his behavior. The only real freedom comes when he willingly faces his pain and fears and accepts God as the source of true fulfillment and healing. The goal, therefore,  is not control, but healthy sexuality and increased intimacy as a couple.

This excerpt is from the soon-to-be-published book When Sex Causes Heartbreak by Janet K. Wheeler ©2013