Resolving Conflict – 5 Simple Preparations

Nobody likes conflict, but it is something we will encounter in nearly every significant relationship. Avoiding it, as most of us have historically done, keeps our relationships superficial and unsatisfying, creates resentments, and adds to our general anxiety and stress. The more unresolved conflicts we have in our lives, the more isolated we become.

Since both resentments and isolation can make us very vulnerable to relapses or overreactions, learning to resolve conflict is very important in the healing process.

A little strategic preparation will assist you in successfully navigating potentially volatile situations and keeping little conflicts from escalating into something more ominous.

STEP I.  EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES – determine why you want to talk about this issue. Is it . . .

1. to prove who’s right/wrong?
2. because conflict feels unsafe and you want it over?
3. to find peace or to avoid rejection by giving in?
4. to find a compromise?
5. to show that you care about your relationship?

If you can’t honestly choose #4 and #5, you’re not ready to talk yet.

II. ASK FOR A TIME TO TALK – don’t just spring the conversation on the other person. Plan for a time when neither of you will be particularly hungry, tired or distracted. Be sure you allow sufficient uninterrupted time so you won’t feel rushed. Agree to turn off the television, smart phones and other potential distractions.

III. PLAN TO TALK FACE TO FACE – show the other person respect and trust by sitting down with them and being honest about your own reactions and behaviors. Focus on what the person did, not on their character. Degrading character assaults end productive discussion. Texting, e-mailing or phoning are less desirable and should be used only when the miles between you make meeting face to face impossible.

IV. AGREE TO LISTEN WITHOUT INTERRUPTING EACH OTHER– beyond common courtesy, strict adherence to this rule will help each of you to feel safe and fully heard.

V. DEAL ONLY WITH A SINGLE CURRENT PROBLEM AT A TIME – Stay in the present. Don’t bring up past resentments or issues that you believe will “prove” your point.

Watch for more tips in the next post . . Resolving Conflict – Navigating the Main Event . . .  PLUS learn the one thing that you must avoid at all cost.

Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. — 2 Corinthians 13:11