To feel safe and able to let trust and respect grow, a woman needs to feel that she is chosen, seen, heard, pursued and irreplaceable. She needs to know that she can absolutely count on her husband.
Discovering that her husband struggles with sexual addiction creates the exact opposite feelings. There is no part of a husband spending hours engrossed in porn, or fantasizing about every woman that he encounters, that makes her feel chosen, special or cherished. She is convinced that she can no longer count on him and may even wonder whether she ever really knew this man she was married to.
When a woman feels betrayed or unloved in this way it is normal for her to puts up walls to avoid being hurt again. Trust goes out the window. She often becomes hyper-vigilant. Every single encounter with her husband becomes an indicator of whether she needs to build her wall thicker and higher, or if she can allow a few cracks and a little light into her emotional fortress.
If her husband’s actions and attitudes continue to include addictive behaviors, lies, selfishness, anger, distancing, blaming, shutting down, name-calling, secrets, assumptions, unresponsiveness, comparing her to others in a negative way, or unwanted sexual pressure or aggressiveness, she’ll feel increasingly unsafe and unloved and her wall will become even more impenetrable.
But if her husband responds by owning his mistakes and brokenness and the damage they have caused, acknowledging her feelings and fears, sincere apologies, follow-through, truthfulness, humbleness, honest compliments and appreciation and the desire to focus on “we” and “us” and work together on the issues in their marriage, little by little her trust and respect for him will return.
Consistency is the key. If you are trying to regain someone’s trust, the more consistent you can be, the quicker the restoration is likely to be. If she dares to let down her guard and you go back to responding in old ways, she will quickly jump back behind the wall and it will take even longer to get her to peek out next time.
Rebuilding trust is a slow process, but one that can enrich your life in more ways than you can imagine. If you commit to working diligently to regain her trust and love, it is likely that your marriage will become stronger and your relationship deeper than ever before.
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” — Proverbs 3:3
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