Today’s blog post is another excerpt from When Sex Causes Heartbreak – What every wife needs to know about affairs, pornography and the sexless marriage due out late this Fall.
Q. When I try to confide in my friend she says things like “boys will be boys,” “men are more sexual” and “men need variety—they get bored.” Is what she says true?
A. It is true that each gender’s approach to sexuality is very different. It is widely acknowledged that men are very visual creatures. They are significantly attracted, and affected sexually, by what they see. But God didn’t just leave men out on a limb destined to a life of lust and sin. In His commitment to completeness, He also instilled a deep longing in the heart of women to be seen and desired.
In the context of an ideal world, this dynamic works perfectly. The natural yearning of a woman to be desirable attracts the attention of a man. His visual drivenness spurs him to pursue her and in the ensuing monogamous relationship that God intended, the play between the desirer and the desired works together to build a strong, unbreakable union.
God instilled these intense desires in us to serve two purposes. The first is to insure the continuance of the human race through procreation; the other is to bind husband and wife together. Studies have shown that when a person is involved sexually with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding. In Christian settings we call this the “one flesh union”.
Unfortunately, since these natural drives are so intense, the enemy sees them as the perfect vehicle to bring about pain and confusion. Any time he successfully tempts us with sexual activity outside the marriage, we bond with that person and, in effect, splinter off a piece of ourselves. Brain scanning has shown that even orgasm while using pornography or fantasy, effects the activity in our brains and bonds us to those images by searing them into our memory.
Centuries of sinful sexual behavior have created a society that no longer understands these natural tendencies as a way to bond with our mates. We have turned them outward. Men use their visual natures as an excuse to lust; women become more proactive to fill their yearning to be desired. Sex has become a distorted way to self gratify and feel valuable. Since uncommitted sex never satisfies, we’ve gotten increasingly desperate in our sexual pursuits. Popular beliefs are merely attempts to rationalize and excuse the emptiness we experience outside of God’s plan.
Excerpted from the soon-to-be-published book When Sex Causes Heartbreak by Janet K. Wheeler ©2013
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