Conflict Resolution – Navigating the Main Event

In this post we provide an additional five steps to help successfully resolve the conflicts in your life. These are similar to the steps you’ll find in many conflict resolution classes or workbooks. They are well tested and, as you learn to use them, you’ll find they DO increase the likelihood that you’ll be able to come to a mutually satisfying solution. If you missed the first part of this discussion, you might want to take just a minute to read it here!

The object of these steps is to keep the other person from responding out of their limbic brain. You may remember that the limbic system is the “survival” part of our brain. When it senses that we are in physical or emotional danger, the limbic brain actually takes over. It shuts down the cognitive thinking part of the brain and triggers a fight, flight, or freeze reaction that it believes, from past experience, will keep us safe. In the physical realm, the automatic blink that occurs when something is coming toward your eye or the instant jerking back of a hand that touches something hot are examples of limbic responses.

In a disagreement, someone reacting in anger (fight), storming out the door (flight) or shutting down (freeze) are all examples of the limbic brain at work. These reactions generally occur when someone feels threatened, trapped, accused, or extremely vulnerable. Remember, when the limbic system springs to action, the cognitive brain temporarily shuts down. If this happens, the “game” is over. It’s impossible to have a calm, productive conversation or come to a good compromise without the help of that cognitive reasoning part of the brain.

The most important thing to remember is to avoid anything—word or deed— that could possibly make the other person feel threatened or in danger. Employing these remaining steps will help. If you can avoid triggering any fight/flight/freeze reactions, you’ll be much more successful in negotiating a good outcome for everyone.

STEP VI. STATE THE PROBLEM WITHOUT BLAME OR ATTACK – Ask for help in solving it. Attack the problem, not the other person. Being blamed or attacked feels unsafe and is a call to action for the limbic brain. One way to keep the conversation safe is to use “I” statements like:

I feel ______________ when __________ . My concern is  ______________. I want/need ______________)

When you  ___________ (describe a specific action that hurt you) I feel ___________ (say your feeling) because ______________ (why the action makes you feel that way)

STEP VII. ASK OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS – The objective is to start a meaningful dialog that will provide a better understanding of what each of you is feeling and needing. Questions that can be answered with a yes or no will do little to further the conversation. It is more helpful to ask questions like “What happened?” “When?” “Where?” Avoid blaming statements and questions like, “Why?,” “How could you?” “You should have,”or “Can’t you just ____?”

VIII. DON’T OVER-TALK– People process things at different rates. Give the other person the freedom to think, feel and choose at the pace they are comfortable with. Rapid-fire talking and impatience will shut off communication and may make them feel unsafe. Raising your voice, eye rolling and other forms of “attitude” will also make them feel in danger.

IX. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT – Get in touch with what you really want or need and ask for it, knowing that they may or may not be willing or able to provide it. Don’t expect them to be a mind reader. It’s up to you to calmly provide the information they need to understand your position.

X. ASK THE OTHER PERSON WHAT THEY EXPECT OF YOU – Explore what you want and what they want and try to craft a compromise that makes everyone feel validated and heard.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”—Proverbs 15:1 “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy.” — Hebrews 12:14a