Lonely is an extremely dangerous feeling for those struggling with compulsive behaviors. I’m not talking about those situations when we find ourselves temporarily without companionship. The little pangs of loneliness we feel at those times are a gift from God to tell us we need to reach out and reconnect. That loneliness is easily resolved by picking up the phone or stopping by a friend’s house.
I’m talking about LONELY—that deep, unrelenting feeling of disconnect that leaves a constant ache in our soul. It is a loneliness that has absolutely nothing to do with how many bodies are in the room. It’s feeling like an outsider . . . at a party, at work, even in our own family. It’s a lonely that makes us feel “different,” self-conscious, and maybe even unacceptable . . . most of the time. It’s a lonely that isolates us and makes us feel permanently and hopelessly alone. There is no quick fix for this kind of lonely.
Addiction and isolation go hand in hand. It’s been said that “all relapse leads to isolation and all isolation leads to relapse.” Therein lies the danger.
The disgust and shame that comes from acting out almost always creates a self-imposed exile. We hide from eyes that we know will see the sin that feels so palpable in our lives. Almost without exception the intense loneliness of that hiding eventually sends us back to find relief from the very thing that brought us there in the first place.
So, the circle of pain continues. Over and over and over.
God intended for us to be in community. We need each other—for encouragement, for support, and even for a bit of a reality check from time to time. As hard as it is to do, reaching out to others and learning, with the help of God and safe-enough people, to connect in an honest, transparent way is the only thing that will finally bring an end to the ever-tightening cycle of destruction.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” —Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)
What steps have you found most helpful in beginning to learn to connect with people in a deeper way? What, if anything, still makes it a challenge? Please share below.
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