Anger Management?

Many of us feel angry . . . a lot. Anger feels powerful. Anger keeps people from messing with us. Anger helps us feel safe. Anger seems like an understandable and acceptable emotion — especially if you’re a man.

A lot of us have grown up being told that you can’t trust feelings. Others have been instructed that as a male, or a Christian, or a member of “this family”, you aren’t allowed to feel or express certain emotions. Some feelings make us feel vulnerable or weak. So we just get angry.

The problem is, that unless it’s resolved, that anger has a tendency to just keep building. It starts to color our whole world. It begins to interfere with our life and our ability to feel at peace, and yet we can’t seem to escape it. Even if we’re not letting it show, it’s always there, churning and boiling just under the surface.

So why is anger so hard to get rid of? Because it’s not what it seems. It’s just a cover-up—what the “experts” call a secondary emotion. Anger, for most people, has simply become a big catch-all for all the “unacceptable” feelings that they have learned not to acknowledge. There is almost always another deeper, more vulnerable emotion behind it. Once you’re able to get in touch with those authentic feelings and deal with them, the anger will begin to dissipate.

So what are these “real” feelings? Common primary emotions are anxiety, shame, sadness, fear, frustration, guilt, disappointment, worry, embarrassment, jealousy, or hurt. Most of  them seem weak and kind of “unmanly”—at least that’s what we’ve been told. But, acknowledging them and resolving them is the real secret to truly managing our anger.

“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” — Ephesians 4:26-27