The Trouble with Secrets

You may have heard the popular recovery phrase, “We’re as sick as our secrets.” But, have you ever really thought about what it means?

Secrets aren’t always big deals . . . like having a child out of wedlock or murdering your neighbor. Often they are little untruths, like saying you’re fine . . . when you’re definitely NOT, or telling a little “white” lie because you think someone won’t be able to handle the truth or that the truth might get you in trouble.

Yep, our secrets may not be big, but they are still damaging:

1. Secrets put a wedge between us and other people.  True intimacy is “knowing and being known.” We can’t be open and transparent with others when we have things that must remain hidden. It prevents us from connecting on a deep level. Those around us can often confuse our silence with a disinterest or dislike of them, personally, and begin, in turn, to distance from us.

2. Secrets cause us to be guarded. We can’t be ourselves when we are busy being careful not to “let the cat out of the bag.” Conversations quickly become surface with no real depth or authenticity. Not only must we choose our words carefully, so we don’t tip our hand, but we may find ourselves becoming overly paranoid about others discovering that we have not been totally truthful. It adds a constant level of stress to our lives that can be very burdensome.

3. Deep down we know our secrets and lies are wrong.  We may try to tell ourselves it was the right thing to do—we didn’t have a choice. But, in the core of our being, we still feel convicted about our deceit. In time, our shame can actually begin to erode our relationship with God.

4. Secrets ultimately isolate us because of the guilt and fear they cause. We have a tendency to begin to avoid certain people because it’s easier than trying to remember what we have and have not told them. The more lies we tell and the more secrets we hold, the more we end up pulling away from others. It doesn’t take long for our secrets to begin robbing us of our friends and leaving us with little support.

In general, secrets harm both our self-image and our relationships, two of the most important keys to a healthy and satisfying life. Even though it can be difficult at first, as we begin to intentionally begin to practice telling the truth in the small things, it  becomes increasingly easier to risk opening up about the larger issues in our lives. The more of an open book we can become, the more freedom we will enjoy. Truth really can set us free! Few things could be sweeter than to be free to be our authentic selves, without guilt, shame or fear.

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” —Ephesian 4:25