Not What We Expected

The summer days seem to be catapulting by. We’ve hardly even had time to catch our breath. But it hasn’t really been all that enjoyable. It’s been a constant stream of activity and hard work. My brain is so tired of planning, grocery shopping and cooking.  Time after time we’ve packed the car for this or that only to return a few days later, to unpack it all again, start the laundry, put the food away, and stow all the supplies. We’ve repeated that cycle more times than I care to count over the last couple of months.

It should have been fun. It should have been easy. But life got in the way and squelched all our best laid plans, time after time, after time. Practically overnight, too-cold-and-rainy turned into too-hot-and-muggy. Illness and injury kept creeping in and interfering with our efforts. Other people’s indecision, made our plans a moving target. What should have been simple got complicated.

We came into summer with such hope and anticipation. And, it let us down.

It reminds me of when my husband, after years of struggling with addiction, finally decided to reach out for help. He had great hope and anticipation, as well. He was convinced that the hard part was over. The difficult decision had been made—he was going to give up the behaviors that had ultimately caused him so much grief. Today he smiles, just a little, as he recalls naively thinking “I’ll just find a counselor, go for three or four sessions, figure out what’s wrong and fix it.” It seemed so easy.

But it wasn’t easy either. It was hard to hold onto the hope of freedom and a better life, when a few sessions turned into a few years, and then a few years more. It was hard to stay positive when every time things started looking good, he would find himself slipping back into old habits again.  It was frustrating when other people’s attitudes and actions side-tracked him and interfered with his resolutions. Things never seemed to play out the way he had planned. What should have been simple got complicated.

He came into recovery with such hope and anticipation. And, it let him down.

But, did life really let us down? Or, was it more that our fantasies of what should have been were a little unrealistic? Is it possible that we missed some golden moments and special blessings because we were so busy focusing on how wrong and unfair it was that reality wasn’t matching the script we had written in our heads?

Twelve step programs often talk about living “one day at a time.” Maybe a big part of that is being willing to throw away our own timeline and checkpoints. After all, isn’t that what surrender really is—giving up our control to something or someone outside ourselves?

My days have passed, my plans are shattered. Yet the desires of my heart turn  night into day; in the face of darkness light is near.  — Job 17:10-12

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