Most of us have heard about someone that just decided to stop drinking, masturbating or some other compulsive behavior—and then succeeded to do so without ever looking back! It seemed so easy for them. And yet we keep struggling. We’ve promised. We’ve prayed. We’ve tried all manner of programs and techniques. And yet, in spite of all the potential consequences, we’re still going back to it time and time again.
There could be any number of reasons why you are having trouble stopping your unwanted behavior, but their are two key factors that have been found to significantly impact a person’s ability to “just stop.”
1. The brain part that generates the craving for sexual activity. . . It’s important to differentiate between a habit and an addiction. Many people use pornography, drugs, gambling, drinking or other activities to relieve boredom, elevate their mood, or because they believe they have the right, or the desire, to do so. Not all of these users are addicts. Most of this group are making a cognitive choice to pursue their behaviors. They are more likely struggling with a habit and not an addiction, since their pre-frontal cortex—the thinking/reasoning part of the brain—is responsible for these types of choices.
Habits—especially long term ones—can be difficult to change, but with diligence and determination, it is generally quite possible even without outside intervention.
If, however the activity has been recruited by their limbic survival brain as a means of dealing with the difficulties of life and avoiding the discomfort of past wounds, behavioral change and willpower will rarely be enough to curb their behavior. Automatic cravings for the diversion will continue to be generated every time the limbic brain senses that it is in any type of emotional or physical danger.
2. The age the individual became involved with the behavior. . . The second factor that affects someone’s ability to “just stop” is the age they started using the pornography, substance or other activity.
It’s similar to boiling an egg. If the egg cracks very early in the cooking process, much of the egg white will ooze out of the crack in the shell and create a very deformed looking egg. If, however, the egg cracks right before it is done cooking, there will be little or no distortion because it is already solid—fully formed—at the time the break happens.
In the same way, when a child starts looking at porn or using a substance at a very young age their emotional structure has not yet been very well established. They are still figuring out who they are and where they fit in this world, so as they grow up with this practice as an integral component in their life, it becomes woven into the very fabric of their being. Without a solid foundation and sufficient life experiences to have provided them with other more helpful coping skills, the behavior is highly likely to become part of that child’s emotional survival arsenal.
On the other hand, if they get involved later in life because of the pressure to be like their peers or as a way to de-stress during college, they are already much more formed as human beings. Their morals and values are more established and they have more experience in problem solving and general life skills.
Although the newly chosen activity, may be exciting, pleasurable or mood altering, their more matured inner being is much less likely to become hopelessly entangled in it. It is more of an add-on to life instead of a part of their core being. It can still be very destructive to their life and relationships, and they may begin to see some of the indicators of addiction, but they are likely to find the recovery process to be substantially shorter than those who started the same behavior at a much younger age.
Based on an excerpt from our new book for spouses: “When Sex Causes Heartbreak” by Janet K . Wheeler ©2013
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