A relationship with no arguments is a relationship with a lot of secrets.—Dr. Bryon C. Hayes
I cringe every time I hear a couple say “we’ve never had a fight.” It sounds like such a good and noble thing, but it actually spells trouble—lots of trouble.
No two people are exactly alike. Each has their own gifts, temperament and beliefs. Everyone grows up with a different set of experiences that molds them in a slightly different way than anyone else—even their siblings. There’s no way that two people can see eye to eye on every single topic and that’s perfectly OK. But, when two people aren’t in total agreement there IS the potential for an argument.
Certainly we don’t have to be thin-skinned. We can pick our battles and not go off on every little thing. We don’t always have to be right. But if we never disagree, one of three things is happening:
- We aren’t getting very deep or very real with the other person (keeping secrets)
- One of the people is “killing” a part of themselves to “keep the peace”(when we lose our voice we lose who we are. The thoughts and beliefs that make us uniquely us are squelched.)
- Dangerous resentment is building in one or both of the people that threatens to explode when you least expect it.
None of these choices are healthy. Although our experiences may have taught us not to let people get too close, God created us with a yearning for quality, interpersonal relationships. There is a part of us that longs to be known and accepted. We want to feel connected. People who are unable to admit and resolve conflict can’t successfully achieve the kind of relationships that satisfy our souls.
My husband struggled with this for a long time. He was raised in a very volatile household that felt very unsafe. He decided that a healthy family must be one where there was no conflict. Of course, his search to find that idyllic situation always came up empty. So he decided that it would be better not to let anyone get too close and retreated into self-imposed type of isolation that only fed his addiction.
It was only as he received some healing from his family of origin wounds, that he was able to understand that all deep relationships encounter conflict from time to time. Whether that is positive or negative depends on whether or not they have learned to work through it with a spirit of grace and compromise. Not the kind of “compromise” where someone’s voice is ignored, but the kind where both sides are heard and, together, they negotiate a win-win situation for everybody.
Let us make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.—Romans 14:19
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